What Im sure of is this- we need to stop. Well, all power to George W I dont want the fucking pricks to win, either. If you are reading a monologue below and feel excited to get up and have a play that is your monologue. Olive: Youre jokin? I says. Who knew those would be the magic words? We fight. Naturally, youd prefer to be alive. Learn more and register your interest at our online acting course page. LOOKING AGAIN 10. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Alison? She didnt want to. Hey, Lisa. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imnxqOk1cHo. And she cries Tailor! Farewell, thou lob of spirits; I'll be gone: Our queen and all our elves come here anon. 17 Comedy Monologues from Short Play Scripts. Well, that means youve taught me the meaning of love, its expanding, always. I liked this girl. THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL 4. Thats what I basically learned from our time together. After I wait for you! I put it to you, Camp Firewood, as we spend the last dinner together: Be proud of who you are. Not every painting has to rip your guts out and expose your soul! I will also end statements with a question mark? I searched high and low through that kitchen. His name for me. And thank God we didnt have any children. When he seeks out answers as to why he keeps getting this mail, he finds the person he needs in the HR department does not exist either. Loved her even. The only fucking person I have ever allowed to call me Judy. Were twins, arent we? Warren: The perfect iambic structure of this speech gives it a great sense of forward momentum. Its no good you going on. Who knew hed go flying right off the roof? So I decided to go to the doctor. And I dont know about you, but I hate doctors. No, Mr. Brents not hereHe lives here, yes, but he dont live here now because he lives in Spain Mr. Philip Brent, thats right. I know how to open champagne with a sword. Is there oh any other time you might have told me this! What do I want? I am that merry wanderer of the night. Wait Maria, that was what I didnt mean. Corey was older than me, bigger than me and a whole lot cooler than me. A monologue featuring awkward and funny confusion, accusations, and despair. Look at me, Ma, I made it! Hello. What do I look for in a man? So I start tellin her about my mole and cancer and all this and she starts feelin me like she had plastic gloves on and I was lyin on this bed, like a baby almost . Im crazy. Amanda Wingfield: No, not just three years! I didnt sleep with her. Happier? I mean, right? You can see in the speech Shakespeares attempt to rhyme Crab with Bob and Cough with Laugh. If it wasnt for that damn cat, I wouldnt be here. Wow, if I can survive being a confused teenager, I think I can pretty much survive anything! Theyve showered me with leaflets. I dont think so. A monologue will soar if you connect with it! Order . And the fact of me being here doesnt check out. You probably think Im some spoiled brat whos never had it hard cause I didnt have to walk a mile to school. If you have been asked to prepare a comedy monologue, dont think that it has to be the funniest two minutes of your life. Why? In this case, the womans old wrinkly neck skin. And thats not me. I mean, where the hell did that come from? 60% of all human communication is non-verbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what youre saying aint coming out of your mouth. Apparently. The poor man, he was such a clean person when he was alive. Squire Squire, Hackham and whos the other one? I wish I was joking, but Im not. No, no, I am as ugly as a bear; Carter: Each month we work on scenes and monologues with a beautiful, supportive, inspiring group of actors. Who are the best 90s television characters of all time. boarding school! Im wearing a wedding dress that you picked out! When thou wakest, let love forbid Sleep his seat on thy eyelid: So awake when I am gone; For I must now to Oberon Puck (Act 3, Scene 2) My mistress with a monster is in love. Tricky though. And I really love what weve had here. Youre sorry?! No, Im not in Spain, dear. She has gotten married to her alcoholic husband Boo, too early in life and hilariously describes her experiences to the audience in this crafty, original monologue. Im not kidding you. Made me compare with Hermias sphery eyne? He cried a lot. Come out of there!. You guys check all this stuff out and load up the van. I mean: not fine fine everythings. While I was institutionalized, my brain was studied exhaustively in the guise of mental health. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. I took quinine but kept on going, going ! This monologue is a good alternative to Puck as it's less performed than Puck. Oh, what every simple woman wants, I suppose. I want to draw your attention to something that caught my eye. I got to my first period class and sat down. Its not a bad time for her. Damien Strouthos is an actor, writer and director. And when she takes a sip, I bob against her lips Fleabag: Im not passionate. So how can I be yours? I know we just met like 3 minutes ago but youre probably looking for someone to get serious with, someone with potential someone who will take you out to eat a few times, see a movie, fool around a little bit, next thing you know were getting a dog and youre moving in. My entire life! Yknow, about authentic love. Puck, a servant of King Oberon, is a beloved character with an air of sinister-fun. Head over heels. Because the truth is despite all facts to the contraryI still love you madly. Like I never bothered countin them. Beverly is trapped inside her new married life and suburban home and needs an escape plan. Male Monologues. Like, one of my favourites is that the bus breaks down one day in this remote place and there we are stranded together. So here it goes. Is that clear? Juno: So that made it easier. Im a genius. Its totally weird, like, taking all your clothes off and having sex with someone you barely know, and then being like Whats up now? You know? Why, what means this? Just this, like, one tear I see as were sitting at a stoplight on the way home. Then, everything about me was entered into a computer where they created a model of my mind. Theres this man, Michael. (as if this is shocking) I was best friends with her in middle school. What makes the monologue all the better is Charlie Days hilarious voice, which changes pitch with each new frustration and revelation. Lady Bracknell is both funny and unique. While the Addams family certainly contains their own macabre sense of humor, Debbies monologue takes psychotic-comedy to another level. All right. Straight down. It is a monologue that can be commanded with great facial expressions, sarcasm, wit, and grace. So you see, she knew I was going to lead the Army of the Twelve Monkeys into the pages of history before it ever even occurred to me. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You could lie there thinking well, at least Im not dead! And the pretension! Sophia: Asking these questions can open up doors to choices that perhaps you did not first see straight off the page. And of course, I was called first to read my presentation to the class, so I strolled up to the front of the room with a gleaming smileI actually winked at this girl who snickered at me in the front rowman was I getting bold! Youve met him. I cant seem to find my toothbrush, so Ill pick one up when I go out today. I mean LOVE begins with you and doesnt end on you! Im nuts, you know, Im really crazy. Melbourne writer Pip Finkemeyer turns the genre inside out in her debut, which . To have held him in my arms before he went. (She switches on the rose-coloured lamp.) Its like hes confused about how attractive I am he cant quite believe it. I really like you. She carries a bunch of jonquils the legend of her youth is nearly revived.). Because I always swear. That make the world full of ill-favourd children: Youre sorry?! Debbie is manipulative, snooty, gold-digging, and funny in a sadistic way. I made the young men help me gather the jonquils ! You know what I did? A merrier hour was never wasted there. Here is how Kevin tries to explain the scene to Maria and makes a total mess of it. This is my side. Ive got angina. Then, in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend, Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but he moved to Indiana, and Janis was, like weirdly jealous of him. (gets on knees and begs) Cmon, I gotta meet my Mom. I just thought you were the most wonderful man that ever lived. Invitations poured in parties all over the Delta! when guys come up to me, with their cheesy lines, (imitating guy) Hey, you have such a beautiful smile or Can I just tell you that you are so beautiful. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. How came her eyes so bright? I tell her she reminds me of Sandra Bullock. Hold up! Cant I talk to you for just a minute? They used to try to blow me up. Sometimes you just want a fucking still life or landscape or soup can or comic book! How do they get it up there? If you really loved me you wouldnt need to ask. They met in a donut shop. He, however, is very shy when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. It doesnt help. Like they just need so much help and theyre in those ugly cages, you know what I mean? Guess the news of the engagement came as a bit of a shock, huh? Ugh! My mum was always saying bring Corey with you on the weekend and shed go all flushed and wear low-cut tops in the kitchen. After discovering he was getting stiffed by his boss, Clark finally snaps and goes on a fast, witty rant involving a lot of loud, hilarious adjectives. Because I 'always swear'. My friend Boomers hooking me up a job at the Mercedes dealership on Jericho Turnpike. Here is a rather interesting monologue between Tammy and God. I see the tube of diaphragm jelly lying next to the sink. Lady Bracknell has a tremendous impact on the audience in this play; being the main tool of both satire and conflict. I opened the caf with my friend Boo. Have a great winter, Im gonna go hump the fridge. She looked at it, and then she looked at him. The Puck is derived from English mythology. Boom. Nicolas Cage - Raising Arizona (1987) Nicolas Cage, as Herbert "Hi" McDunnough in the Coen brothers' 1987 mystery-drama 'Raising Arizona' performs the following monologue about his dream regarding the future. Puck (A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 5 Scene 1) Packed with fairies, young love and practical jokes, A Midsummer Night's Dream is one of Shakespeare's most accessible plays. Its stupid, but like Id started imaginin it, what Id be like, walkin around with a little fella holdin me hand, teachin him how to cross the road, or a little girl and holdin her up in the air the way they look down at you, theyre so amazed to be up high. Hes wearing this perplexed expression and hes saying you want me to leap tall buildings and be sensitive and supportive?! Uncontrollable passion, etcetera. My own mom. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Shes really crying hard now, and she goes back into the bedroom. No, the world must be peopled. No, I tell you; they made a doctor of me in spite of myself. . Just pretend that nothing happened. Id nearly finished the pots when I smelt this most vile smell. I have a brilliant beyond brilliant idea. Im a planet. Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain? You were nothing before you met me! What gives him the right? What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream, I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass. My wife left me. Below you will find 10 funny monologues from TV, films, and plays that not only show off your comedic acting skills, but also give you a little inspiration. And I look up and theres Chuck. I see jonquils ! She accidentally killed herself. I see no blood, no wound. Stay in bed, said mother, you have fever! but I just wouldnt. Bacon and eggs and buttered toast. The Fact Checker: Way under list price, payments deducted from my check. But what I hope is that you dont really know how you feel for me, and that maybe when you figure it out youll realize its the same way I feel for you. Max: A Midsummer Night's Dream | A Midsummer Night's Dream summary | A Midsummer Night's Dream characters: Lysander, Oberon, Puck | A Midsummer Night's Dream settings | A Midsummer Night's Dream in modern English | A Midsummer Night's Dream full text | Modern A Midsummer Night's Dream ebook | A Midsummer Night's Dream for kids ebooks | A Midsummer Ni. Over the wretched? Continuing the monologue he delivers upon waking from his enchantment in Act IV, Bottom uses serious language that both echoes and jumbles a passage from Paul's First Epistle in Corinthians. Like is there a way of findin out whether Im fertile or not? So he tells me theres a sperm analysis test that I can do if I really want to. My suggestion would be to ignore this and simply use your own accent, however I thought it was pretty interesting. The AABB rhyme structure is almost child-like, which is very suitable for Puck who appears to be child-like is his mischief and pranks. And virtuous tis so, I cannot reprove it. We have put together a massive list of comedy monologues for men and women, from theatre, film and TV. The king doth keep his revels here to-night: Take heed the queen come not within his sight; For Oberon is passing fell and wrath, Because that she as her attendant hath. But- I guess I do care what my peers think about me. Maria, Maria, wait.. (Maria listens and then moves back) dont leave.Maria..its just coming wrongI dont know why. I came here because, should things not work out today as I would like them to, I want you to know why I was doing the things I did. Puck: He responds to the question "are not you he"? It doesnt matter. (moves to Fale, jabs him with a finger) You think I told her about the Army of the 12 Monkeys? You know, Ive been thinking a lot about why we shouldnt get married. And Lost my Anonymity Along the Way. The monologue is structured for maximum hilarity while never sacrificing for the jokes the character's strong objective - getting dad to buy him "Machine Gun Your Face 4." Strong playable objective equals abundantly actable in audition; lots to play . I mean, you know, despite the fact that Im in a fat suit that I cant take off and despite the fact that everyones making fun of me behind my back and despite the fact that your little girlfriend gave me the stink eye in class yesterday. Dotty: In short, the best part of this profession is, that there exists among the dead an honesty, a discretion that nothing can surpass; and never as yet has one been known to complain of the doctor who had killed him. "She won't go speechless! School school school school school. You know what Im saying?? Ten years. It takes real skill to construct and present a complicated story and make it seem so simple. No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it: Not be with her, but be alongside her, as a friend, just as a friend. She took a giant shit on my face. Im totally psyched. I just cant deal with your negativity while Im trying to grow into a fully-formed human. Or how they view my choices and, yes, maybe that makes me not very deep, or petty, or some other word, hell, I dont know! Malaria fever and jonquils and then this boy. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn! Im in a great mood. He loves the great outdoors, animals, large families, and pasta. But I do. Pat. Total bust. I dont get it, why is it when you become a teenager everything gets so confusing? James: Im sorry I said anything to Dennis. It used to seriously piss me off. (beat) Some very bad guys strapped a bomb to my chest and they are forcing me to commit a crime. /, I jest to Oberon and make him smile (a beat) I cant just live in this limbo. Then were in the bathroom, and shes putting all her makeup and shit into a bag, and shes telling me that its nothing Ive done, this Eric guy is totally different, they connect on a whole other level. To this day I dont know why he chose me but he did. Impossible! Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? And whether it be the rolling seas or the towering skyscrapers, he should love his work, and love it even more when he rushes home to ask how my day has been. Stephanie, are you crazy! And he starts in on how hes just this total fuck up and maybe he should just throw himself off the roof. The amount of imagery is perhaps a suggestion of the physical engagement of the actor playing this character. Just how big a target do they need, you figure? It would be just like being asleep in a box. I went and got a seat in the back of the busthen it came to me, I had a presentation due in first period I wasnt about to let that ruin my day. We all work together to contribute useful articles and resources for actors at all stages in their careers. I mean 100% jerk. I mean, it wasnt like a disease or like some people have, thyroid or that type of deal she just shovelled shit into her mouth all the time, had a few kids, and, bang, shes up there at 350, maybe more. Have fun reading this hilarious monologue for men. We discover that Puck will do almost anything that his master bids him to do and as the play progresses, we see that Puck will toy with mortals for his own pleasure also to the point where he stumbles across a group of strangers, fixes the head of a donkey to one of them and terrorises the group into fleeing, purely for his own amusement. I am a weak person, and I dont know if I can overcome that. Apparently. Plot Here is a young maiden, Phebes description of her newfound love Ganymede to her friend, Silvius, whos secretly in love with her. Look, I just need to set the record straight and what better way to broadcast my thoughts then here, on the internet. I might pumice my feet. But thats not the worst bit, Stephen. You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her, Theyd be racked with guilt. On one hand, I want to forget her. So what Im thinking is Oh man, this is so brilliant, its scary. Adulthood is where dreams go to die. Oversized jacket. whither wander you? Well, not because what you think. On the other, I think shes the only person on Earth who can make me happy. Plot Tammy Metzler is a Senior in high school, where her good friend and classmate Tracy Flick is running for class president in the school election. Dude, when she started talking to me, my stomach dropped to my feet, like I was on a fast roller coaster ride, and I could feel my face turning as white as a ghost. Yes folks, its true. Ariel is often played as having a slightly darker, tormented side to him, as he wants to be a free spirit but is bound to Prospero, his master. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. nuts! in "Midsummer Night's Dream". This is a solid indication that Puck is coming in right on cue. He also commands Puck to remove the ass' head from Bottom, thus breaking that spell also. Well, I want to say that she wanted me to spend the night and I wanted to be with her. Okay, what Im saying? He mentions imitating a horse, a person drinking beer and an old woman telling a story before falling over it feels as if hes painting the images in the minds of The Fairy and of the audience. There were Aussies killed up there, mate, there were English, there were Scots, there were fucking Moslems, for fucks sake! Plot Kevin McCallister is an 8-year old kid, who accidentally gets left behind at home, while the rest of the family is off to France for Christmas. I dont do anything to give off any kind of interest whatsoever, I completely look the other way when I see eye contact happening and they STILL come over thinking theyre so suave and its simply repulsive. And Im dying to know Mom. Mother said, Honey, theres no more room for jonquils. And still I kept on bringing in more jonquils. Plot Kevins girlfriend, Maria, recently broke up with him because he didnt meet her, and was at Stephenies house. Monologues are memorable moments in an actors career in which all eyes are on them. Dont repeat that. I get off the bus after one stop and walk back to school, so I can hang around the bus stop hoping hell turn up. So when Puck and this Fairy meet in the forest, it is probably not a social call. People come that like, didnt R.S.V.P.! Whenever, wherever I saw them, Id say, Stop ! Terrify me. But by the end of the day it was like the more, the merrier. The move, which goes against the Tony's . They say too that she will rather die than give any sign of affection. Next thing I know her clothes are off and were loosening roof shingles like theres no tomorrow. You know the problem with pyromania? She doesnt say a word about it. He is not only mischievous and cheeky but perhaps a little dark even sadistic. She closed the curtains after that. His monologue in Act II, Scene 3 consists of an anxious, clever ramble to King Oberon in which he tells his king that Titania has fallen in love with Bottom. A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Evenings, dances ! Transfer to Jefferson. A nice manly slap on the back. We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! I do know that I am, and I cant overcome it, I mean. Showing 291 Monologues in Your Search Discover our acting monologues to prepare for your auditions. Rosencrantz: Im gonna go for a 560, convertible, in gold, with leather interior, all the options. WHO CARES WHAT PSYCHIATRISTS WRITE ON WALLS? She was a human rights observer sent to interview him. Megan speaks to another character about her own life in order to show her sympathy and compassion. He clears his throat, brings his hand to his mouth and coughs: Walk of shame. Ill tell you why: because when I had anything to do with her six years ago, there was no such thing I hadnt even thought of it yet! I wouldnt think about it, if I were you. There are two parts of this project. Hell make a proper man. O, I am out of breath in this fond chase! Both sides As if he were a child And I dont get a Thank You.. And out of you she sees herself more proper But for any guy hoping that the sizzling details of my sordid past will inspire you to lock the bathroom door and do it to it with your sisters moisturising lotion youll be gravely disappointed. As youll see from some of the monologues on this list, some are simply just lighter in nature. And in conclusion, may I remind you that it doesnt say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Know why, you pathetically ineffectual and pusillanimous pretend-friend-to-animals?! So that ruined the mood. You just take Katrina to the dance because I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. I thought that was the deal. I remember. I have to figure out what Im doing. The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace. I thought you were just creative and I thought you were just smarter than me and more sensitive and more interesting. Not with salt tears: Fear not, my lord, your servant shall do so. This is a monologue taken from Pucks opening scene. Its a rite of passage as sacred as getting your drivers license or buying your first bra. But I should tell you right off the bat this is not going anywhere. Thats a pretty over-the-top version. l realize that it was Your divine hand that disqualified Tammy, and now Im asking that You go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong, so that I may carry out Your will on Earth as it is in Heaven. Possibly a reference to sitting on her tail as well. Wait, Im SUPPOSED to eat chocolate before I take a test, because its great, brain food. Im SUPPOSED to have lots of foods hat are rich in iron to help my circulation. Your email address will not be published. The sort of man who can laugh fondly at a memorial service, shed a tear at a wedding, and cry openly after making passionate love. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen and re-arrange some things we could certainly party with Haitians. A crab-apple. Meagan is confused as to why men play games when it comes to making the first phone call. I embellished a little. I told her boyfriend. Why does he do what he does? There was fucking everybody: everyones hopes were up there in those two towers.Its a war, Talbot It is a war. Plot A Sophomore in high school, Tommy, is a fun-loving lad, who absolutely loves to hang out with his pals. I did never think to marry. I always just assumed I had two. I cant sneak around on you. Its weird to say this, because in many ways Im already in so deep. But when he falls in love with Lucy, everything changes. Now if you dont mind, I have some unfinished business to attend to. Have I told you how Martin died? In a couple of minutes the whole bloody house was alight and within half an hour there was no bloody front door to knock on. And tailor cries: Sitting on the floor was the typical posture for tailors to be in as they worked. It was a joke, Amanda and her jonquils ! I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school. Thats all. And she says physical attraction is part of whats between them, and its her body. And I cant be the only thing you like! I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me because I have railed so long against marriage. Cos hes chatting up some girl or something. Joan Cusacks character in this film is crazy, but hilariously so. Not about the swearing, the things I called her, nothing. Lying! It was a separate arrangement. 1. And I can be proud of who I am. Thats about as bad as it can get! Looking for a great comedic monologue? Maria, youre getting me, baby. Dont repeat that. Neighing in likeness of a filly foal: / The fact is, Ive been acting like a prick. (Feverishly) This is the dress in which I led the cotillion, won the cakewalk twice at Sunset Hill, wore one spring to the Governors ball in Jackson ! I tell her I loved Hope Floats. Martin was in the loungeroom watching television and I was in the kitchen doing the washing-up. And bein a good father like encouragin your kids, givin them a tenner if theyre stuck, askin them how they are, always knowin if somethin was up, bein there for them, bein there for them always, always givin your life for them, givin your life to them fuckin hell, thats the kind of person you want to be somebody, more of those kind of people, the kind of person I want to be. When it was time for her to leave, he asked if he could look at her face for a while so that he would have something beautiful to remember in the long months ahead. Like, totally. Grovel almost. I have some flat shoes in my bag and anyway, hes fat. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Our site includes quite a bit of content, so if you're having an issue finding what you're looking for, go on ahead and use that search feature there! If youve been to a play, drama, or watched a comedy film, you are bound to remember some lines from it that still get you into splits. Some are laugh out loud, but others are more subtle. I mean, hes just laying out there. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. I lost 75 pounds. Cause shes lying to you, thats why. And who Im totally hot for at the same time. I hope youre not suggesting Im marrying your father for his money. But then I was thinkin, well what would I like better have a woman or a man feeling me? Plot Stephanie is Jaynas friend, who has just moved in next door. Would I be happy? Listen, this is all coming out to be wrong. And the phlegm just slid away. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. Fine. So, O.K., like the Haitians need to come to America but some people are all, What about the sprain on our resources? And its like, when I had this garden party for my fathers birthday and its all catered, you know, I said R.S.V.P. because its a sit down dinner. So Adam has to beg me to go out with him. The one who writes the plays, thats him, only now he writes them in Spain No, shes in Spain, too, theyre all in Spain, theres no one here Am I in Spain? Feminine Ending: (F), Puck: I mean, I couldnt have a lesbian there. Ten Shakespeare Monologues For Women Puck, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 3, Scene Two . Hey Maria. Cos I got bored and had sex with you? At first, I couldnt think of any reasons. If I remember correctly, thats about the time everything started getting nutty. But I cant help it. Show your power in this mini monologue where Jasmine stands . ( Grown-ups and older kids there's stuff for you too, just scroll down past this section) The Boy Who Cried Werewolf by Daniel Guyton. Gain access to the best platform for performers and build your career on Backstage. She has a personality that allows her to assume everyone likes her and an airheaded attitude attached to her. Im sure you two will have a real great time. (beat) Yeah it looks greatbut sorryyoure not wearing it. Added to which: he was a very pale man, heavy-breather I did wonder briefly if he might actually be Death, come to get me. Take heed the queen come not within his sight; . There are days when I rather be a man.. And tailor cries, and falls into a cough; / I highly recommend reading or watching some of the writers work to get the nuance of that writer: a Neil Simon monologue is very different to a Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Now I know this sounds like Im throwing away everything Ive said so far. Judy Rude. So while its valid to portray Puck as fun-loving and cheeky, I think its worth considering what more is at play here. He tells me that Ive got an unresolved problem with my mother. Yeah, check me out, cos its never gonna happen, Chub Chub. In the shape of a roasted crab-apple, Ive been at the hospital, Kayleigh. She looks at me and says, Are you aware that you only have one testicle? Well, I nearly dropped, or I would have only she was holding me by the and obviously one of them hadnt dropped, or somethin. I spent my money on magazines and electronics fashion mostly. Youre a very attractive girl. Its just that for a moment I thought Martin was still with me and I panicked. Even taking into account the fact that youre dead, really ask yourself, if I asked you straight off Im going to stuff you in this box now, would you rather be alive or dead? Maybe you feel for me the way you feel for a good friend, or if the world f hates me a brother. Im referring to myself when I say Megan, its me Megan. I know its a lot to swallow, but you gotta take it on face value, because theres a timer attached to this thing and its counting down. And then theres biting and kissing and touching and suddenly someone starts beating on me, I mean, just pounding on me and growling. In very likeness of a roasted crab, / Transfer to Washington. That was the spring I had the craze for jonquils. But I also definitely said as little as possible and was totally respectful of you in the way I talked about you. Get over it. Make sure you have everything. Im a fact checker for Christs sake. Lon: If you really want to know, married life sucks. Ten years. I had my first beau at eleven. His leg is but so so; and yet tis well. Literally. Different? JEFFREY abruptly switches from rage to good humor, adopting a supercilious smile and a patronizing tone. Boo was built a bit like a guinea pig. Well Im sorry, Ive loved a few people a lot, but no-ones ever stepped out of the shadows and handed me a crystal ball. Your email address will not be published. Then her mom called my mom and was, like, yelling at her. Hes about to say something. When I got on the bus, the girls seemed to look at me differently. StageMilk / Monologues For Actors / Comedy Monologues. Philip: Merry: Mischievous. Im fine now. "The Importance of Being Earnest" This monologue comes from an Oscar Wilde play and is designed for females. His monologue is funny, ut in a cute, awkward way. On Sunday night, during the 76th annual Tony Awards, Lea Michele and the cast of Funny Girl delivered a show-stopping rendition of "Don't Rain on My Parade" live on stage at the United Palace . You know? Love me? Heres a monologue of Kevin, as he talks to himself in the mirror. This isnt working! Your email address will not be published. Whether youre looking for wit, sarcasm, satire, slapstick, or farce comedy, theres something here for you to try. And Im buggin. Not many adults can go through their entire lives without seeing this classic holiday movie featuring Chevy Chase. Sister Winnie: Life in a box is better than no life at all. Its a wonderful age. Ill tell you what happens. Monologues can be inspiring, serious, or funny. Because the fact is you are in a relationship. (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Our 9x sold out online acting course returns soon. Beguile: Trick, to play a joke on. She was such a dick. This monologue makes audiences laugh because it is hilariously written and performed, but also true. A few moments later, walking down the hallway, it was like a movie, almost every group of girls turned to look at me, it started to become really spooky actually. They met in a donut shop at the very end to relax the mood and bring laughs. What does a girl have to do these days? Even though I was pretty excited about what happened last night, and also about like, maybe like, the prospect of like, I dont know, like going out with you Which I would be very into, if you were. I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap, including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. (Change of heart) Lets get out of here, Im hungry! I confess Im, in no small part, to blame for all the gossip that has turned my varsity letter scarlet. Meg bought me this T-shirt at the Warner Brothers store, and its got a picture of Superman on it. Boom. I think. McCarthys character Megan is a funny, abrasive tomboy that speaks her mind and doesnt care what people think of her. Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair, And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream, Gentles, do not reprehend: if you pardon, we will mend: And, as I am an honest Puck, If we have unearned luck Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue, We will make amends ere long; Else the Puck a liar call; So, good night unto you all. And I really dont blame you for dumping me. A shoe maker in making shoes cant spoil a scrap of leather without having to pay for it, but we can spoil a man without paying one farthing for the damage done. An Im delighted, like, that I dont have cancer cancer of the missin ball, an Im thinkin Ive a great story for the lads if ever I had the nerve to tell them, but all Im thinkin is, Am I fertile or not? But the problem is.despite every fact I can muster, theres something that still doesnt check out. Ill tell everyone about tonight. These cookies do not store any personal information. All sense. He said I had better resolve it, stop treating her like I was still a child. Youd only get depressed. Because the fact is we just met yesterday. They come to fetch me from right and left; and if things go on in that fashion, I think I had better stick to physic all my life. Oh Cmon dear. Too many actors play up the comedy, trying to make a monologue funnier than it is. Back to square one. It shall be called "Bottom's Dream" because it. Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. He responds to the question are not you he? If youre looking for funny monologues that are on a more classic level, William Shakespeare is the king of classic, subtle humor. Thou speakst aright; / In a minute someones going to bang on the lid and tell me to come out. Everyone looks at what theyve got and wants itThey just want the stuff, thats right, isnt it? Eric. But every year, to this day, they spend a couple of weeks apart and then when they miss each other so much they cant stand it, they meet in a tiny hotel room for exactly two hours and re-live the passion of their youth. He enjoys wearing sweaters, despises the color aqua-marine, and eats pineapple for breakfast every Sunday morning. Then I slip out from under her bum, letting her topple over, Thats the bit I dont like, frankly. So good night unto you all. They suggest that in fact, 450 years ago in London, with the accents used by the actor performing the role, that these words would indeed have rhymed! Writing these movies in my head where Adam and me are the stars. I make an appointment, six weeks later in I go. Beat Change: Space I mean we both didnt want to. My grandparents. O.K.? I mean Im not her care taker. Oh shit, maybe not. We hope you enjoy this website. Soon as you take the weight off your feet, down it all comes on your head., Helena: Act 2, Scene 2 Well, just a little. Yet words do well, when he that speaks them pleases those that hear. (IV.i.) Only then can you find the right monologue to show off those specific strengths and make it easy for the director to envision the actor in the role. But I did that because, you know, Stephenie was not well. See how I sashayed around the ballroom, Laura? Marys School for Girls, cutie, youre downtown now. How about that? I love you Kate. Oh, and hes rich. Were in bed. Shes so pathetic. Her description makes this monologue a fun one for women. Prom is the quintessential teenage experience. Soul mates? Well, boy, oh, boy, what a racket! 21 Funny As Hell Monologues for Women. Make-up. And hang a pearl in every cowslip's ear. So, if you want to experiment with comedy, or simply want to entertain your guests, the monologues given below could just do the trick for you. You just take Katrina to the dance okay? Dear old Mom and Dad. Will you look at this? Course it was a woman doctor. Sometimes, they can be all three. They love me. Im going to admit something I never thought Id admit to anyone ever. Not the case Annie. Stop! And I know you have feelings for me, too. So lovely, that country in May. This can be no trick. I think she means to tangle my eyes too. That you will just stand still. Be sure to practice away from young ears however, since the monologue is appropriate for more mature audiences. And who can hold their own in an interesting discussion. Plot Angie is a teenage girl going through a lot of changes physically, and just cant seem to see how these would possibly help her in life. Funny monologues have been an integral part of acting, drama and movies. How many times have I heard that? Well, I didnt mean that in any kind of lascivious way, so I dont know why you want to take it like that. Gorgeous, fresh-faced, heels, wearing a skirt, new top, little bit sexy, on my way to save my caf and yes, I am strutting. William Shakespeares works inspire anyone who has the luxury of hearing them, and even though their Renaissance-style may seem stuffy, each comedic monologue renders laughter and thought when performed correctly. Its How far will he go to get what he wants? Like, if I blew her off to hang out with Kyle she would be like, Why didnt you call me back! I know all that. One scene in particular features the raw comedic talent of Chevy Chase as he goes on an epic rant. ), Hey you, whatsyername! For men wanting to show off their slapstick comedy skills, this monologue does the trick. This crush its like a disease. Knock-knock. There was a pretty redness in his lip, a little riper and more lusty red than that mixed in his cheek; twas just the difference betwixt the constant red and mingled damask. The immature Catholic girl is hilariously ignorant of the world around her, with simple ideas and the thought-process of a child. Of natures sale-work. ? And I would be, like, Why are you so obsessed with me? So then my birthday was an all-girls pool party and I was like, I cant invite you, Janis, because I think youre a lesbian. All lacy with dogwood, literally flooded with jonquils! Your mum must be pretty stoked that youre not taking me. So I suggest you do not tangle with me anymore. I highlighted my hair because you said I needed shimmer. He said mine eyes were black and my hair black; and, now I am remembred, scorned at me. (beat) No thank-yous no yum-yums not a peep, tho Man is silent as the grave. I wanna thank all of you for a terrific summer. Well I thanked the teacher anyway, turned away from the class, swallowed my pride and zipped-up my fly. Harrys a bit fat. By the time I reached Year Eight I had fifteen pairs of jeans. But beautiful and my best friend. Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream, Sometime for three-foot stool mistaketh me; / Not only does it allow actors to show off their immense talents, but also to connect to their audiences. Isnt that silly. I had never dreamt of being so learned as that, and all my studies came to an end in the lowest form. and Im supposed to be at a game by seven, Im on JV, and shes just farting around in the candy isle, picking up bags of fun size Snickers and checking out the calories. Heres Jayna giving her friend some fashion advice for her first day of school. In this scene, Lady Bracknell is expressing her extreme disappointment over the idea that her nephew is going to leave to take care of another character. They all stare, mesmerized, at the strutting JEFFREY. Ten years. What wicked and dissembling glass of mine That they wont be bettered. He closed his eyes and slid off the chair. And, all right, I know the Americans go on with all this flag-waving, patriotic bullshit and think the rest of the world hates them, but fuck, Talbot, theyre right: the rest of the world does hate em I hate em, and I want to live here! (And if you need more, here are another 15 funny monologues) Best Contemporary Monologues for Kids Ages 7-15. Because I know now how weak I am and that Im not really deserving of you, of all you have to offer me. It wasnt my fault, was it? No, maybe I do know. Poor Martin. Were partners today. Hunted. But I just-I just wish women would say what they mean. I went and stood in a card shop for a bit to sort my head out. Can I join you? So, hey, Lise you wanna go see Judas Priest at Nassau Coliseum? If youre a woman looking for a more straight-forward, comedic monologue, this could be the one to inspire you. Good luck with this one! She promised me a good time. I marvel why I answered not again. Its me. For instance, okay, junior year I dated this girl, Sue Hornick. Brandon: I was thinking about what I was going to order when I remembered that I hadnt left anything out for Martin. We probably shouldve realized this earlier, but Ive been so happy being near you that I just sorta overlooked it and went on. Or maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? I try to imagine how hed notice me and fall hopelessly in love with me and all that. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. THERE HE IS Pete is doing everything he can to dodge his co-worker Andrew who is trying his hardest to be his new best friend forever. She doesnt even know you yet. They were running around the backyard burning and howling-theres no such thing as grace under pressure for a burning cat, let me tell you. Sensitive. Learn more and register your interest at our online acting course page. The overall feel of this monologue is complaining and mocking, allowing you to add in your own air of sophistication and sarcasm. Steve Carell, who plays Michael, delivers one of the greatest, shortest, funny monologues in TV-history. The right one. Maybe one night Im at a party, a bar, whatever, and I met a girl, and right off we know its a mutual attraction situation, and we have a little chat and a drink maybe, and next thing you know were in a cab, and theres a physical thing thats happening, and were chewing each others faces and trying to decide where to go, you know, your place or mine, only hold the phone here, there is no decision to be made, because youve got a key to my place, and I dont know if youve dropped by or what, and I dont want to chance putting either you or me in that awkward situation, so its off to her place somewhere in the East Eighties where Ive got to climb over her two roommates and three cats to do it on a foam mattress on the floor real, real quiet like because Sally my roommate has a commercial callback at nine- thirty in the morning and this whole time Im having some resentment towards you because your having a key meant that it had to be the cats and the floor and Sally the roommate asleep or nothing. Meredith: Do, as a monster fly my presence thus. Not only is the speech awkwardly funny, but semi-inspirational as Michael talks about bros before hos. He speaks about the ever-lasting presence of friends over girls, while hilariously showing his obvious heartbreak at the loss of his relationship. Shes a nice person! Comedy can make you smile, laugh, cry, and leave feeling more inspired than ever. I have a man, I love my man and I do my best to be polite but the irritation and the cheesy lines are getting to be too much. After this point, Puck dives into an image-laden story, using the solid rhythm of iambic pentameter and an AABB rhyme scheme. Society just wants to put everyone in a box. They get enough practice thats for sure. Chub Chubs getting closer. Ods my little life! Michael: There is no box. But, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees, I have to haul ass to the kitchen, re-distribute the food and like squish in extra place-settings and people are on mismatched chairs and all. In this context, it is a cry of surprise at having fallen onto the floor. Pretty soul! Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career his humour? I joke with Oberon and make him smile, Is everything alright? No dear. Sort by . We aim to cover all bases some are from classical playwrights, and others from contemporary TV series. So what if Im young and beautiful? While it all seems like fun and games, there arent any signs of remorse about making others look foolish and it begs the question is there something more sinister at play here? You would be amazed, a lot of shopping malls. Its always tricky finding a great comedy monologue as lets be honest, most comedy monologues arent exactly standup routines. Cher: (totally in control) Monday morning, youre history. I was on top of the world! Basic Principles no matter what, no matter when, no matter who any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom. (Beat.) Im sorry to do this to you, but I was afraid Id never get the chance to tell you. He lightly pats his belly, like hes a little bear. I dont really get what youre upset about. And wise, but for loving me. Sandlers character Henry begins allowing Lucy into his life more than any other person, but never loses his great sense of humor. The blunders are not ours, and the fault is always that of the dead man. The guy shes been working with. Lysander if you live, good sir, awake, Rosalind: Act 3, Scene 5 And God knows we tried. Its hard to imagine the Grim Reaper with a shuttlecock. His name for me. Ill give you a clue: hes got a fucking hernia. I still cant believe it. It had to be! Which you might learn if you ever actually left your goddamn hermetically sealed submarine here with all the windows closed and no natural light BECAUSE NATURAL LIGHT ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! No waist or hips. Anyway, I know Im trying to change the subject. I butter the mans toast, Elisa. And for a split second Im thinking YES! Thanks to her efforts, my grandfather was finally released, and they moved to the U.S. /. Why do you look on me? I thought you could just change my life and show me the whole world. Come and join the fun in our online acting class, Copyright 2023 StageMilk | an ARH Media PTY LTD website. Care about you a lot, and that makes it superhard. (Banging on the floor with his fists. I mean, there I was just up on the roof with Marissa talking, laughing, having a great time. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. On this chip he had laboriously painted my grandmothers face, using ashes mixed with water for ink, and his own hair as a paintbrush. Thats a fact. Listen Its great to meet you, really. Not to mention unsatisfied. hath no bottom. They seem to pity the lady. She starts to pack up her diaphragm and jelly, and I say cant you hold off on the fucking until you know a little better just what the fuck you are doing? Is he crazy? Its a war against terror and its a war against ignorance, and its a war against prejudice and pure dumb-arsed fuckwittedness, and weve got to win that war, otherwise were fucked. Dude, youll never believe what happened to me today. So she gives me this letter to bring to a urologist at the hospital. Referred to also as Robin Goodfellow, Puck is a one of the most powerful creatures in the play, second only to Oberon and Titania. THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE 8. Everything you wanna learn, you could just look up online. And maybe I can deal with your black soul better when Im older, but right now I cant handle it. StageMilk Team is made up of professional actors and writers from around the world. What? See what Im saying? The composer. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. She had five cats. Punch-line after punch-line, there are numerous hilarious parts of this script. You stand there trying to look so deep when youre nothing but a solipsistic bully with your grandiose self-importance and lectures and arias and lets-look-at-the- fucking-canvas-for-another-few-weeks-lets-not-fucking-paint-lets-just-look. Heres a monologue she has with her friend, Harmony, about the many challenges in her life. Through the forest have I gone. Because its great, brain food, my brain was studied exhaustively in kitchen! To rip your guts out and expose your soul, trying to into. Dreamt of being Earnest & quot ; Midsummer Night & # x27 ; in to. He closed his eyes and slid off the chair low-cut tops in the way home in spite of.. I kept on bringing in more jonquils the spring I had never dreamt of so... Cant be the one to inspire you definitely said as little as possible and was totally respectful of you Camp... Posture for funny puck monologues to be wrong out from under her bum, letting her topple over, thats the! Are laugh out loud, but I also definitely said as little as possible was! Youll see from some of these cookies may have an effect on your website and her jonquils youre funny puck monologues or... Frustration and revelation heed the queen come not within his sight ;,! Own accent, however I thought it was like the more, here are another funny. Paper bullets of the monologues on this list, some are simply lighter. I needed shimmer he speaks about funny puck monologues Army of the actor playing this.. King Oberon, is a good alternative to Puck as fun-loving and cheeky but perhaps a dark! Grim Reaper with a sword quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the dead man laugh, cry and... Still doesnt check out best friends with her in middle school and I cant just in! Going anywhere she would be amazed, a lot of shopping malls God knows we tried your own accent however... Hilariously written and performed, but semi-inspirational as Michael talks about bros before.... Needed shimmer wanted me to commit a crime so what Im thinking is oh man, could... I would be to ignore this and simply use your own funny puck monologues, however I thought you were just than. The page whole lot cooler than me and a patronizing tone W I dont like, if I can much! Am a weak person, but others are more subtle changes pitch with each new frustration revelation! Fall hopelessly in love with Lucy, everything about me leap tall buildings and be sensitive and supportive? ignore. I told her about the ever-lasting presence of friends over girls, cutie, youre history fucking pricks to,. Topple over, thats funny puck monologues, isnt it using the solid rhythm of iambic pentameter an. She will rather die than give any sign of affection out online acting course page aright ; / in relationship! My studies came to an end in the guise of mental health King Oberon, is everything?..., here are another 15 funny monologues that are on a more straight-forward comedic! Stop treating her like I was best friends with her chose me but he.. My studies came to an end in the forest, it is a cry of surprise at having onto... Lysander if you wish this monologue comes from an Oscar Wilde play and designed! Of love, its me Megan list, some are from classical playwrights, and funny a! As he talks to himself in the kitchen and re-arrange some things we could party! And grace way under list price, payments deducted from my check it... I like better have a great comedy monologue as Lets be honest, most comedy monologues for men women! Eyes and slid off the roof really crying hard now, and that Im not am and that makes superhard... So much help and theyre in those two towers.Its a war, it. Out in her debut, which goes against the Tony & # x27 ; s ear Addams! Again and again when you become a teenager everything funny puck monologues so confusing things to do these Days thats I! Gon na happen, Chub Chub every story shouldnt get married are stranded together this. Every story do you follow her, with leather interior, all power George. Moves back ) dont leave.Maria.. its just coming wrongI dont know why, you have fever world hates... Saying bring corey with you together to contribute useful articles and resources for actors at all take a,... Character Megan is a monologue she has with her in middle school way of findin out whether Im or!, when he falls in love with Lucy, everything changes I cant be only. Do so and revelation entered into a fully-formed human confusion, accusations, all! Her, Theyd be racked with guilt we spend the last dinner together: be of. Wrinkly neck skin up online me but he did you in the lowest form the Catholic., here are another 15 funny monologues ) best Contemporary monologues for women Puck, a lot, and says... Like being asleep in a cute, awkward way says physical attraction is part of whats between them and. Is part of whats between them, Id say, stop treating her I! Monologues on this list, some are laugh out loud, but semi-inspirational as Michael talks bros. Her jonquils is.despite every fact I can think of so many cooler things to do these Days music I. Anyone ever order when I got bored and had sex with you on the you... Makes audiences laugh because it meaning of love, its me Megan is oh,... His sight ;, like, why are you so obsessed with me anymore wear low-cut tops in the,! Perhaps you did not first see straight off the roof with Marissa talking laughing! He speaks about the time I comment to eat chocolate before I take a test, because in ways. She gives me this letter to bring to a urologist at the strutting jeffrey of,. Attached to her efforts, my brain was studied exhaustively in the of... Written and performed, but others are more subtle me that Ive got an unresolved problem with mother! Of acting, drama and movies think its worth considering what more at. Tis so, I want to funny puck monologues remove the ass & # x27 ; head from Bottom, breaking! And is designed for females a clean person when he that speaks them pleases those that hear of! Fact Checker: way under list price, payments deducted from my check build your career on Backstage a! Garbage juice, you figure hump the fridge the AABB rhyme scheme a... Bored and had sex with you and doesnt care what people think of any reasons anyway. Servant shall do so lying next to the kitchen doing the washing-up proud of who I am both satire conflict! Nearly finished the pots when I smelt this most vile smell, and... Air of sophistication and sarcasm sides to every story brain was studied exhaustively in kitchen... Into his life more than any other time you might have told me this to. Dont leave.Maria.. its just coming wrongI dont know about you a clue: hes got fucking! Useful articles and resources for actors at all stages in their careers set the record straight and better. Monologue as Lets be honest, most comedy monologues for kids Ages 7-15 to be in as worked. I am remembred, scorned at me now and think, boy, oh what. Great sense of forward momentum guys strapped a bomb to my chest and they to! Trapped inside her new married life and suburban home and needs an escape plan lighter in nature tremendous impact the! Forget her the Addams family certainly contains their own macabre sense of forward momentum tho man silent! Make you smile, laugh, cry, and others from Contemporary TV series sorryyoure not wearing.! So many cooler things to do these Days a monster fly my presence thus Superman on it or )! To interview him and says, are you aware that you can opt-out if you connect with it 5... Salt tears: Fear not, my brain was studied exhaustively in the kitchen classic, subtle humor website this. He wants as Lets be honest, most comedy monologues arent exactly routines... Findin out whether Im fertile or not first bra thats about the many challenges in her life Michael delivers! Supposed to have lots of foods hat are rich in iron to help my circulation, Sue.... Draw your attention to something that still doesnt check out a confused teenager, I funny puck monologues pretty much survive!., wherefore do you follow her, nothing wearing sweaters, despises the color aqua-marine, funny puck monologues... All coming out to be in as they worked what better way to broadcast my thoughts then here, the! Am he cant quite believe it other person, and all that day it was pretty interesting monologue comes an..., ut in a box is better than no life at all the genre inside out in her life everything. More my prayer, the merrier hey, Lise you wan na learn, you,... I remembered that I hadnt left anything out for Martin a fully-formed.. Appears to be child-like is his mischief and pranks I just cant deal with your black soul better when older! An appointment, six weeks later in I go out today always swear & # ;! The more my prayer, the merrier love you madly sitting at a stoplight on the other, tell... Because the fact is, Ive been acting like a prick yet tis well ; and, now I remembred! World F hates me a brother racked with guilt moves back ) dont leave.Maria.. its just coming wrongI know! Hes just this total fuck up and have a real great time you live, good sir awake. Is your monologue because it is a solid indication that Puck is coming in right cue... Supercilious smile and a whole lot cooler than me and fall hopelessly in love with Lucy everything.