You might also start watching what you say in case your partner gets angry and lashes out, verbally or with fists. Over time, you attempt to avoid conflict and become more deferential. You don't need a lawyer to file a restraining order, and it doesn't cost any money. Domestic violence against men: You're not alone, Why men don't leave abusive relationships, - How to break the cycle and get help. 2. If youre still on the job hunt, your budget will give you an idea of how much you need to stay afloat. When we have friends and family who have their own issues, as everyone does, theyre going to lose patience with you. 1-800-799-7233 The National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can also discuss the situation with your landlord. It may be a piece of paper, but it can be an effective tool in keeping your partner away from you and the kids, says Glass. Need a full plan, and money is just part of it. Instead, says Lacy, you have to identify what you can and cant control so you can understand that the patterns of abuse arent typical relationship problems. Since this is a common issue for survivors of abuse, there are plenty of educational resources at your disposal. Once thats paid off, focus on the next smallest one, while still paying the minimum balance on the others. Theyre going to take whatever opportunity they have to create leverage to get you out of the bathroom, Glass says. Spend some time assessing the current status of your relationship, the length of time you've been in it, and the age of your children. Photographs and medical and police reports will help you file for a protective order, break a lease, and prove your abusers guilt in a criminal or civil case. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Safety is the No. The police have an obligation to protect you, just as they do for a female victim. While they may not all have funds or grants to give you directly, get in touch with your states coalition against domestic violence. You may be gaslighted and begin doubting your own perceptions due to blame and lies. Be aware of any signs that may trigger a violent response from your partner and be ready to leave quickly. Know when your hopes are well-founded and how to turn your deep desires into results. How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship, Gaslighting: Turning Off the Gas on Your Gaslighter, Dealing with Revenge Porn and Sextortion. And while abuse is an equal opportunity crime for both opposite and same-sex relationships, typically women are the ones who are more likely to be the victims of what NCADV calls severe intimate violence. One in four women versus one in nine men experience severe physical or sexual violence or stalking. They dont even recognize that what theyre doing hurts you when anyone else would probably recognize it, says Glass, who is also the author of Moving On: Redesigning Your Emotional, Financial and Social Life After Divorce. Try not feel afraid or anxious about asking for help. Toxic relationships are more common than you might think, and their effects can often be crippling. % of people told us that this article helped them. Nour Naas shares her important story and perspective on domestic violence and how marginalized groups face additional barriers when it comes to reporting. Millions of readers rely on HelpGuide.org for free, evidence-based resources to understand and navigate mental health challenges. Learn more. This creates an undercurrent of anxiety for the abused partner who thinks shes now going crazy, she adds. Seeing manipulation, especially when youre the target, may take some emotional and mental maturity or life experience. (new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=f6da93d0-6850-44b9-a6b9-f62dcef33270&cid=877050e7-52c9-4c33-a20b-d8301a08f96d'; cnxps.cmd.push(function () { cnxps({ playerId: "f6da93d0-6850-44b9-a6b9-f62dcef33270" }).render("a62a84b67add450880a65f158730a944"); }); In fact, emotional abuse can be even more damaging than physical abuse, says Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist and author of several books on emotional abuse, including Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing From the Shame You Dont Deserve. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. Get help from trusted friends, family or colleagues. Get matched and schedule your first video, phone or live chat session in as little as 48 hours. If, God forbid, your abuser shows up where you are or shows up to your work or sees you on the street, then youve got to call 911 immediately and say, I have a restraining order. View our hotlines around the world. Abusers will use any sort of leverage possible and it doesnt matter that its their child or someone elses child. There are many reasons for not leaving. Others recognize this. If youre physically threatened or harmed, immediately seek shelter. Whether you stay or leave, you need a fulfilling life to supplement or replace your relationship. So experts recommend that you try to get into the right mindset to get out. Even if they dont want to be with you, they may not want you to let go or be with anyone else. Theyll be able to point you in the right direction. They place an inaccurate and overwhelming amount of power in this other personThis person can control my life, my money, how I see my friends, whether I see my family, how we raise our kidsso they have to realize that all those things are false, Glass explains. Steps for applying for assistance depend on your location; a shelter or advocacy organization can walk you the process. The aim of the journal is to help build your resolve to leave. Getting out of danger, looking for a job, finding a place to live, opening bank accounts, and researching resources can feel overwhelming. (Heres why one woman stayed in an abusive relationship.). Love Shouldn't Hurt So Much, Your Attachment Style Can Help or Harm Your Relationships, Understanding a Jekyl and Hyde Personality, The Link Between High Sensitivity and Narcissism, Are You a Narcissist? And remember, its not shameful to get help. Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact. As you do your research, whether thats trying to find a domestic violence shelter, or talking with a friend about moving in with them, or talking to your family members about borrowing money so you can move out, you need to do this carefully so your partner cant spy on you and learn your plans, Glass advises. The site owner may have set restrictions that prevent you from accessing the site. Doesnt always have to be a prohibitive part of it in certain cases, though. But change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behavior and seeks professional treatment. They can point you to state-run resources and other local organizations that may be able to lend a financial hand. This is referred to as Stockholm Syndrome, named for hostages who developed positive feelings for their captors. To say money is the only one would be naive. Learn why and what to do. But research shows that financial abuse occurs just as frequently in unhealthy relationships as other forms of abuse. If its going to take a while to get out of the house, you should identify some safe area in your home where you can go in case your partner gets abusive, whether its locking yourself in one of the bedrooms or a bathroom, says Glass. Its not just the physical injuries, either. Take these steps: Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an expert and author on relationships and codependency. As a male, your spouse or partner may: As an abused man, you may face a shortage of resources, a lack of understanding from friends and family, and legal obstacles, especially if trying to gain custody of your children from an abusive mother. What an important topic. You don't deserve it. Its temporary, so its only good for several weeks. [9] If your spouse harasses you over the phone or online, block them. The world's largest therapy service. If youre concerned that your abuser checks your phone and internet histories, delete hotline and shelter numbers, websites, and searches from your call log and internet history. Learn more about how we make money and select our advertising partners. You worry that if you leave, your spouse will harm your children or prevent you from having access to them. If theyre an abuser, theyre an abuser, and you need to just get away from them., Here is how to do exactly that. There is a lot of stigma around domestic abuse. Thanks so much for writing this post and sharing some resources & encouragement for those who might be in an abusive relationship. (Need help getting started? You need to be ready to leave at a moments notice, especially under Covid where everyone is just sort of stuck at home and youre never sure when your partner might be going out, Glass notes. Two common ones: If you leave, your partner gets the kids or youll have to pay supportthreats that a lawyer or therapist can quickly tell you probably wont happen in a million years if your partner is abusive or you make less money or arent the one working full-time. When something seems too big to handle, break it into smaller steps. Abusive people typically monitor their partners personal email, computer, and cell phone, says Glass: Either the account is in their name and they can see whos being called or whos being texted, or they can track your browsing history on a web browser.. Bring any documentation of the abuse to the hearing, including photographs and police or medical reports. Besides, having any kind of contact means youll just encourage your mate to keep texting or calling. Getting out of an abusive relationship can seem impossible without money, but you have the power to leave and become financially independent. (Learn the signs of a toxic relationship.). HELPGUIDE.ORG INTERNATIONAL is a tax-exempt 501(c)3 organization (ID #45-4510670). Of course, domestic abuse is not limited to violence. Chances are, you have been in this place . Read up on narcissism and abuse on my website. And all too often, it feels like you can never get out. Identify the abuse. Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. They show up on your social media, try to make you jealous with photos of them having fun with someone else, talk to your friends and relatives, text or call you, promise to reform, express guilt and love, ask for help, or accidentally appear in your neighborhood or usual haunts. How and Why There Are So Many Singles in Canada, How to Celebrate a Birthday in the Face of Dementia, What Good Therapy Can Doand What It Can't. It's comforting to hear that you're not alone, and that others have gone through similar situations. See , Whether you leave or are left, allow yourself time to grieve, build, Maintain strict no contact, or only minimally necessary, impersonal contact thats required for co-. If youre a man in an abusive relationship, its important to know that youre not alone. Absolutely. Leave your car and phone with your friend, and then borrow their car to drive to the bank. You may struggle with upsetting emotions or feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. ." Physical abuse repeats itself. First, prepare for the reaction. Abusers often use money as a means of control, and you might not have much experience with budgeting, paying bills, and building credit. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/4\/45\/Leave-an-Abusive-Relationship-with-No-Money-Step-1.jpg\/v4-460px-Leave-an-Abusive-Relationship-with-No-Money-Step-1.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/4\/45\/Leave-an-Abusive-Relationship-with-No-Money-Step-1.jpg\/aid10407289-v4-728px-Leave-an-Abusive-Relationship-with-No-Money-Step-1.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"
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\n<\/p><\/div>"}. And so it will repeat itself, he says. Their charming traits fade or disappear and are replaced or intermixed with varying degrees of coldness, criticism, demands, and narcissistic abuse. What matters is that very visceral experience. Get help immediately if your abuser is physically violent or has threatened you with violence. Gather key documents. Remember to take things one step at a time. Be sure to make purchases that you can afford to pay off by the due date. Part 1. But abusive partners do these things often and on purpose. Keep Proof of the Abuse. its not shameful to get help A huge obstacle that many face. Of course, steeling yourself to leave is one thing. Additionally, codependents, who are usually preyed upon by narcissists and abusers, often feel trapped and find it hard to leave any relationship. These are resources, but Id highly encourage you to reach out to a counselor before finalizing any big plans. Domestic violence is a big part of the discussion when I tell the story about how abuse creeps in and develops in a relationship, I see recognition in more faces than you can imagine. Search online for listings related to your skills, and ask family and friends if they know of any leads. Report all incidents to the police and get a copy of each police report. If youre in debt, pay the minimum balance on your accounts, and add any extra money you can spare toward the one with the smallest balance. Maybe youre in a one-income household where your partner brings in the money. Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, and its a lot for one person to bear. Unfortunately, our website is currently unavailable in your area. If you need to stay to protect your children, call emergency services. Signs It May Be Time to End Your Relationship, How to Make a Narcissist Come Crawling Back, 12 Things to Do When Your Boyfriend Is Mad at You, How to Leave an Abusive Relationship with No Money, http://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html, https://www.purplepurse.com/tools/financial-empowerment.aspx, https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm#help, https://www.thehotline.org/help/what-to-expect-when-you-contact-the-hotline/, https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm#shelters, https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/, https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/finding-your-financial-footing-after-abuse, https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/she-has-no-money-she-ll-come-crawling-back-not, https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/breaking-your-lease-without-breaking-the-bank, https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/5-ways-to-get-money-matters-in-order, https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/finding-financial-independence-after-abuse, https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/gimme-some-credit#.Wi66BraZPR0, The responding officer will file an incident report. As a domestic violence survivor, you qualify for a special enrollment period at any time of year thanks to the ACA. It is a common misconception that narcissists only look for emotionally dependent partners. Work it out in advance and share it with your most trusted friends or family or even neighbors so when you use it, they know youre in danger and can either come over and intervene or call the police, say experts. If you believe your abuser will react violently when you leave, choose a time when they wont be home or alert the police of your situation. You can do this! 47 likes, 5 comments - Women of Rubies (@womenofrubies_) on Instagram: "#moviereview by @estherijewere If you haven't seen #MAID on Netflix, I highly recommend it. (See Why Narcissists Play Games.) If you resist their attention, it fuels their ambition. Meanwhile, keep this expert advice in mind: You cant broadcast your intentions in any way, says Glass. If you are being physically abused, leave right now to protect yourself. Figures suggest that as many as one in three victims of domestic violence are male. Build your self-esteem. There are many things to consider when preparing to leave your abusive husband or partner. They work like a standard credit card and will help you build credit, but they lower the risk for the bank. Remember, medical personnel aren't likely to ask if a man is a victim of domestic violence, so it's up to you to ensure that the cause of your injuries are documented. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Theres no right time to leave, so it comes down to finding a safe time, says Glass, which usually means some time when youre home and your partner is either at work or out with friends or visiting family. Read on to learn how to identify this type of abuse. Insists that the police wont help someone whos gay, bisexual, or transgender. Come out of denial to see reality for what it is. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can connect you with a trained advocate to create your own plan. 1-800-832-1901 The Network/La Reds 24-hour hotline. Emotional abuse can be anything where theres deception, theres power and control, theres dominance over the other person, or someone is regularly devalued, disrespected, diminished, or deceived, says Lacy. This is abuse. They not only fear retaliation, but also the loss of the emotional connection with their partner, which can feel worse than the abuse. You may want to leave, but feel stuck, and dont understand why. Making sure abusers don't become aware that you're planning to leave is the safest way to move forward. A major reason women feel like they cant escape is that they dont know how they will manage their finances on their own. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Give yourself time to gather your emergency bag and get to a safe place before your abuser realizes you are gone unless an immediate escape is necessary. I used to (and sometimes still do) teach self-defense/safety classes to teens. special services for those who are going through domestic violence, financial awards at a local, regional and international level, basic grants that you will likely qualify for, potentially allowing you to make money off of going to college, free, downloadable resources specific to your needs, Applying for Health Insurance as Domestic Violence Survivor, The Intersection of Islamophobia and Domestic Violence, Economic Effects of Sexual Assault: A Case Study via Dr. Ford, Economic Abuse: Silent Epidemic of Abused Children, 8 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship, Unique Economic Obstacles for LGBTQ+ IPV Survivors, Getting Help: LGBTQ+ Domestic Violence Survivors, Financial Abuse: My Partner Nearly Drained Me Dry, 8 Ways to Help Loved Ones in Abusive Relationships, 5 Signs Youre in for a Massive Auto Insurance Spike, What is Financial Abuse? You need to start planning your exitand that means figuring out all sorts of logistical and legal details so you (and your children) can get out safely. Ask a friend or relative to go to the courthouse with you for moral support. Praise we've earned can be motivating and help us build confidence. Mediation is not a good option when there is a history of abuse. They may gossip and slander you to family and friends, hoover you to suck you back into the relationship (like a vacuum cleaner). Parenting. The checks Orban thought were going into the mail were not, and the missed payment notices from her loan providers weren't getting to her. If the abuser doesnt hear from you at all, its a lot less likely that theyll continue persisting. If you still have the same phone and they text you, you cannot respond under any circumstances. Make sure you're aware of any red flag behaviors in a potential new partner and what it takes to build healthy, new relationships. Until recently, society didn't care much about abusive relationships. You might feel guilty or tell yourself that your ex really still loves you and that youre special to him or her. They may also use a weapon, such as a gun or knife, or strike you with an object, abuse or threaten your children, or harm your pets. We may earn a commission from your purchases. One thing is clear, whatever type of abusive relationship youre in, you dont deserve it, says David J. I try to only post about things I think will be helpful to my readers and have experience with, but anything that happens as a result of you using the information provided is your responsibility alone. Narcissists can be exceedingly charming, interesting, and enlivening to be around. Leaving an abusive relationship Leaving an abusive relationship No one should feel unsafe. This person is right near me. You're in a same sex relationship but haven't come out to family or friends, and are afraid your partner will out you. With physical abuse, a woman knows shes being abusedshe sees the bruises, she has the broken arm. What Is Financial Abuse? Go away. or Youre the best thing. Just having a cell phone number and finding one utility bill thats been forwarded is usually enough for me to track down someone Im trying to search. Who wouldnt want to think that? Both you and your abusive partner might need to be present to make changes to jointly held accounts. Sure, you could try to find a job and daycare if you have kids. Only consistent, firm boundaries will protect you and disincentivize them. Its why the money exists. Staying at a shelter or with a loved one and getting financial assistance can minimize your expenses until youve found gainful employment. Here's how to get help if you need it, and how society can better help survivors. But a safety plan can help you know what to do when you are ready to leave. "Sometimes it is impossible to cut off all communication, such as when children are . Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline. Your religious beliefs dictate that you stay or your self-worth is so low that you feel this abusive relationship is all you deserve. Never retaliate. They can be loyal to a fault due to their codependency. Symptoms, treatment, and self-help for PTSD, Tips for protecting yourself before and after you leave, Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship and getting help, How to spot the signs and make a difference, Recognizing the warning signs and getting help, Preventing and dealing with financial exploitation, Coping with online abuse and practicing safe sexting. Take away your car keys or medications, try to control where you go and who you see. As mentioned, these situations are nuanced and dangerous. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. Compare your expenses with your income. Studies show that victims of physical abuse on average dont leave until after the seventh incident of violence. Financial abuse doesn't just happen when a partner tries to limit your income; it can also happen when they try to take over the money you're bringing in. One major hurdle is finances. Like you said, safety is the number one concernbut its good to know there are resources out there to help on the financial side. Think about any jobs youve held in the past and make a list of your skills. A text, phone call, or "Hey, would you like to go for a walk?" can be a simple but very powerful way to help. If they dont give you cash, try getting small amounts of cash back when you make debit transactions. Youre especially susceptible to this if the relationship dynamics are repeating a pattern you experienced with a distant, abusive, absent, or withholding parent. In domestically violent relationships where theres physical abuse, theres usually more emotional and mental abuse that has occurred way before the physical abuse happens, says Janie Lacy, a psychotherapist and relationship trauma expert in Maitland, Florida. You do not have access to www.thepennyhoarder.com. You may be trauma-bonded, meaning that after being subjected to prolonged belittling and control, youve become childlike and addicted to any sign of approval from your abuser. Theyll say things that are demeaning or belittling, like, Well, you know how your mother is, always so scatterbrained., If you object, your partner might just say, Whats wrong with you? The stats are pretty grim: Every minute, nearly 20 people in the United States suffer some kind of physical abuse, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), a nonprofit advocacy group in Denver. Relationships are not made to be a cat and mouse chase, and one of the subtleties of an abusive relationship is the dynamic of Come here. This may reflect the intentional spacing of contacts. The highly sensitive personality can be both a blessing and a curse. Is There a Link Between High Sensitivity and Narcissism? 1. Usually, one type of abuse leads to another, say experts. In any relationship, we all have a time where we may say something off the wall, or we may do something to unintentionally harm our partners or persons were in a relationship with, says Lacy. 3. An easy way to create the narrative is to write down all the big incidents of emotional abuse youve experienced and how you felt about them, advises Engel. Theres a lack of resources. Get a. Youre always talking about the same thing,' she notes. If you are in an unsafe, violent relationship, you might be thinking of leaving. Get matched with a professional, licensed, and vetted therapist in less than 48 hours. (Are you with a narcissist? Though you may feel like running away is the only answer, take time to think before you make the drastic decision to leave home. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life, regardless of age or occupation. Get evidence of the abuse. Or move in with friends or family. Narcissists frequently employ a variety of deceits in order to get what they want. So then when I asked them, Whens the first time you felt like you were going crazy? Your abuser might have told you that youll never get by on your own in an effort to maintain control. While unhealthy relationships may not be completely avoidable, people can take steps to protect themselves. Break the Silences Grants for Hope program: Womens Independence Scholarship Program: Being without money is frightening, and its among the top reasons victims of abuse remain in abusive situations. But if you can afford it, consider getting a therapist and/or lawyer, especially for the aftermath. You cant do any of those things because those things make it easier for someone to track you down. Frequent shifting from loving to hating is a manifestation of the defense called splitting, first coined by Freud. [1] It may be safer to keep these items outside of the home. Another reason why people dont leave? Store these with friends or family or in a safe place at home. Here are red flags to watch for from a domestic violence survivor. Use it. Yes, yes, and yes. Keep a notebook that details all these facts, including what is and isn't working in your relationship. What can we learn about the economic plight of sexual assault and domestic violence survivors from Dr. Ford's testimony? Posted April 3, 2019 If you can, run it by a professional counselor. 1999-2023 HelpGuide.org Research confirms that its common for victims to attach to their abuser, particularly when theres intermittent positive reinforcement. It's the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is suffering battery and abuse. This is because there are deeper reasons that keep you bonded unlike in other relationships. (National Domestic Violence Hotline), Domestic Violence Against Men: Know the Signs. In most states, theres a presumption against the abusive parent having any significant time with the children, especially if the parent was abusive to you in front of the children or abusive to the children, Glass explains. I am not a financial professional in any way shape or form. The narcissist's incapacity to manage his feelings, including unhappiness, is the basis for his overall lack of self-awareness. When they contact you, remember that theyre incapable of giving you want you need. I Have No Money: Leaving an Abusive Relationship. Narcissists and abusers are basically codependent. To find more support or resources, and create a personalized plan, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline1-800-799-SAFEor go the National Domestic Violence Hotline site to chat with someone right away. Whatever your circumstances, though, you can overcome these challenges and escape the violence and abuse. Of course, steeling yourself to leave is one thing. Whether you seek the support of your loved ones or a non-profit organization, remember that you are not alone. Two Ways Mid-Life Running Beefs Up Benefits of Neurogenesis, Find a therapist who understands narcissism, Narcissus and Echo: The Heartbreak of Relationships with Narcissists, Blaming Your Parents Versus Holding Them Accountable, Narcissism: The Self Admiring, Successful Failure, Are You Unappreciated? Learn to value yourself and honor your needs and feelings. How to protect your finances when leaving an abusive relationship. 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